Traditionally, most domestic abuse victim support services operated under the assumption of abuser = male, victim = female. Unfortunately, this leaves the LGBT community out in the cold – especially when both halves of the couple are male. What has changed recently is the awareness that men can be victims of domestic violence. Note that this is not to downplay concerns of female victims and/or abusers in a female/female domestic abuse situation – this article is just to highlight the support for men who have suffered abuse.

Abuse impacts people regardless of sexuality, yet while heterosexual male-on-female abuse is well documented and researched, for the LGBT community, there are few statistics. According to local registered psychologist Jane Oxenbury (M.Ed., C.Psych.), “the problem is that there isn’t a lot of research out there, and the research…is only as good as it is designed”. The pitfall of survey design regarding this topic is that the respondents are in a closet with double-thick doors - not only does the person have to admit he was in an abusive relationship (or an abuser), but also “out” himself.

Jane adds that a standard statistic for gay and lesbian domestic abuse that has been used for many years is an average of all the research that is known to exist, which comes to 25-33% of all relationships.

Some numbers even suggest domestic abuse may be higher in a male-male partnership. Jane is not sure if that is correct either: “there’s a lot of myths that go along with women using violence against other women.”

Furthermore, while some research shows men in MM relationships may be more prone to physical violence and women in FF relationships prone to verbal and psychological abuse, there are many instances where the two trends are reversed.

Profile of the Abuser and the Victim

For the average citizen, their concept of an abuser usually runs to someone with a prior history of abuse, perhaps in their family; this is only partially true. It’s possible than an abuser can learn this behaviour from someone else later in life, or simply develop it in the presence of their current partner with no such history. Ultimately, the abuser learns this power works in their favour to control their partner, and becomes a habit. Nevertheless, “you make a choice to be abusive,” Jane says.

Another common factor amongst abusers is low self-esteem. Jane explained that “as much as they may be doctors, or lawyers or high-powered people or people with a lot of money…they don’t feel very good. They don’t feel good enough.”

Other common traits of an abuser include (but are not limited to):

• Easily insulted;

• Inability to manage his/her own emotions (suppression and then explosion);

• A gentle disposition one minute, a violent disposition the next (i.e. Jekyll and Hyde personality);

Domestic abuse in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight; there are subtle steps. Abusers may resort to behaviours such as:

• Threatening to “out” their victim to family, friends or work;

• Controlling all finances and threatening to destroy their victim’s possessions;

• Threatening to “out” their victim’s HIV status or to infect them;

• Blaming the victim for his/her abusive behaviour;

• Accusing the victim of adultery;

• Controlling who the victim sees or talks to and where the victim goes;

• Threatening to harm the victim and others, or to commit suicide if the victim leaves; and

• Using a level of force in sex beyond what the partner may find acceptable (this INCLUDES couples who are into BDSM).

Just as an abuser has no set profile, a victim could come from any background – they can come from a family with a history of abuse or from a loving, supportive family background. Often victims make excuses for their abusers because of the honeymoon periods consisting of normal, happy, everyday life - the abuse only happens rarely. Unfortunately, over time the honeymoon periods shorten until eventually one abusive incident leads directly into the next. By then, the victim has difficulty seeing the whole pattern objectively.

Resources for Male Victims of Domestic Abuse

Jonathan McGregor (M.Sc.), a councillor at the Calgary Counselling Centre, hopes to let men know they are not on their own anymore thanks to their Male Domestic Abuse Outreach Program (MDAOP).

“The program [exists] to raise awareness in men experiencing domestic abuse, and also to serve them,” says Jon, who does both public advocacy and promotion of the service.

Additionally, he holds individual counselling and if possible (if the aggressor and the victim first have attended individual sessions and the abuse has been stopped) he will counsel couples. As part of the program, they also have a support group for victims: Turn for the Better: For Men Who Are Victims of Violence. The MDAOP serves Calgary, Strathmore, and surrounding rural areas.

Such a program supporting male victims is very unique. “The main issue we are confronting here is that men don’t know there are services available, or that there are too few services,” Jon told us.

Another issue is victims fear that they won’t be believed. “We’ve spoken with men who have had really bad experiences coming forward with their victimization or abuse.” Service providers such as police, social workers, and lawyers tend to pull back in disbelief - it’s an experience similar to what women faced 30-40 years ago. It’s easy to see how social norms applying to men cause male victims of domestic abuse to suffer in silence.

Or suffer silently in shame, according to Jon: “Men’s identity is tied to their masculinity, and when there’s an experience they are going through that counters this general stereotype of what is a ‘real’ man, it calls into question that type of masculinity (their identity) and I think that’s where the shame comes in.”

Part of the counselling process is to label those behaviours as stereotypes coming from outside (society) and inside (experience); once you do that, it gives men a chance to redefine their masculinity and heal.

The program has its successes, “but we won’t claim 100%”. Calgary Counselling Centre will do a partner check with the victim in couples that have remained together through the process. This is so they can see how the victim is doing, how the former abuser is progressing, offer any suggestions, and ensure the victim is not being further abused. Most victims give Jon lots of positive feedback. “I think just the fact that the client is in treatment gives the victim some hope that they are least trying to work on this thing, making some differences,” he added.

Expanding services to help male victims is very important in breaking the cycle of violence. Occasionally same sex couples can see abusers and victims flip roles.

“People can flip from being a victim to being an abuser in the next relationship or being an abuser to being a victim,” Jane Oxenbury notes. A man who was once a victim can become overly defensive around a less dominant partner; and conversely, a man realizing his last relationship brought out abusive qualities in him, may try to be overly accommodating in the next and thus set himself up to become a victim.

Jane works with victims of domestic abuse as part of her regular work as a counsellor, but it was the lack of support for men in same sex relationships in Calgary which prompted her to publicize her strengths in this area through her VIGOR program, short for Violence in Gay Male Relationships, where the O is substituted for the male symbol.

Both VIGOR and MDAOP contrasts many other Calgary support agencies which are set up on the assumption of primarily female victims, with only a nod to male support groups (for former abusers).

As for Edmonton, they come up about the same for the level of support to what Calgary has. The City of Edmonton offers individual counselling along with several men’s support groups, including “From Chaos to Peace” – an eight week education support group for men who have experienced partner abuse. Additionally, the Pride Centre of Edmonton has counsellors volunteer their time Wednesday evenings at the Centre. In addition, Men’s Alternative Temporary Housing and Supports (MATHS) has sheltered male victims when they have needed refuge. Unfortunately, a victim may feel a bit out of place here, as MATHS usually provides temporary emergency housing to men who have been abusive in their intimate partner relationship.

We should consider this a good start anyhow; organisations are starting to realize they need to help male victims too. Beside MATHS, the Wheatland Shelter in Strathmore is the only shelter in the Calgary area which also accepts men. Meanwhile, Police services in Edmonton and Calgary have made changes in addressing domestic abuse with peace officers being trained to be more observant and sensitive to the fact that men can experience abuse too.

Can Family and Friends Help Victims of Abuse?

When family and friends do observe abuse affecting a loved one, it’s important they not pressure the victim into making rash changes or leaving - the victim is doing what they know they need to do to keep the violence from escalating. Family and friends should educate themselves about domestic abuse, find out what support services are available. They can help by aiding the victim to realize the behaviour is abusive, however, the decision on how to proceed has to come from the victim. Above all, the victim needs to know that you can be counted on for support.

It should also be made clear to the victim that physical abuse crosses the line to assault, which is illegal regardless of their relationship to the abuser – and therefore the police can be contacted if and when the situation gets out of hand.

Domestic Abuse is a big topic to cover, and unfortunately to keep this article somewhat short we couldn’t cover areas such as making a safety plan for leaving your abuser, what to do in the event of sexual assault and, as mentioned at the start, female/female domestic abuse concerns. We chose to focus on a group that is underserved (male victims); however large parts of the information above – and certainly the web links below – does discuss domestic abuse issues which are relevant no matter what the sex of the victim or the abuser.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, Gay Calgary and Edmonton Magazine encourages you to seek out the help and resources you need. Love is not about control, insults or bruises.