If you are a child of a celebrity in North America, you exist in the shadow of your parents. If you are a child of one of the most hated families in America, it is a long and sinister shadow cast over you and your siblings. This is a shadow Nathan “Nate” Phelps has struggled with in the 30 years since he left Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) and severed ties with his father, Pastor Fred Phelps.
Nate’s life has had its ups and downs – he has been married, had children, divorced, and is now living with his fiancée in Cranbrook, BC. He is also an atheist.
Pastor Fred Phelps is well known among our community for his protests – telling everyone within listening range that “God hates fags”, indeed, “God hates the world”. To promote his message that we are all doomed, he has picketed at the funerals of Matthew Shepard, Coretta Scott King, Jerry Falwell, and recently at funerals for soldiers killed in Iraq. He and WBC assert every tragedy in the world is linked to homosexuality; therefore, everyone who is not a member of their church is supporting the homosexual agenda and will burn in hell.
Nate has already spoken publically of his past history and is working on a book based on his experiences. This includes growing up with a father who was physically and emotionally abusive; a father who survived on amphetamines and barbiturates to achieve his law degree. Nate will be in Calgary speaking about his experiences March 14, but GayCalgary and Edmonton Magazine spoke to him briefly about his past.
As I researched his history, I was struck by a parallel between Nate’s escape from WBC, and how many out LGBT individuals are ostracized from their families—a threat that causes many others to stay in the closet. The parallel was not lost on Nate.
“I’ve been going through the loss of my family over 30 years...I’ve talked to a lot of people about their experience of coming out and being atheist or agnostic to their religious family, and a lot of gay people who talk specifically about those same things. They’re literally mourning the loss of a loved one as though they died.”
This “mourning” can cause depression and anxiety, something that is also familiar to Nate.
Certainly, many people in a similar situation have gone on to build a new family of their own where there previously was none. Nate spent 25 years in Southern California doing just this. Like many of us, he realizes, “family does not have to be blood...often it would be better off if it wasn’t blood.” Such rejection leaves a permanent scar, a feeling of something being wrong with you when really, the problem sits in those who are supposed to love you unconditionally.
In fact, Nate can’t attest that his father ever loved him at all. He describes a family where, although his father was always present, the man never displays anything of what one could consider love or fondness toward his children.
“He certainly—behind the pulpit or in the midst of one of his beatings – would express that he was doing this because he loved us. But that has no relationship to any notion of love I have in my mind...there isn’t anything I can remember growing up where he showed physical or any other form of affection.”
We asked how people respond when he reveals the fact of his lineage. “I get everything from people who say [Fred Phelps] is a nut job to Well, you know, I can’t really fault him for his beliefs.”
For Nate, the latter response is the most difficult to deal with because it illustrates how difficult it is to struggle against or reason with a person’s belief system—especially if it’s one as hateful as Fred Phelps’. Often Nate will challenge these people and their overt or tacit support of WBC, but he admits there are times when he stays silent.
“I go back and forth on it...I have such emotion attached to it.”
Hey says there are times when he doesn’t have the energy to dredge those emotions up all over again, and so in some cases he tries to keep his identity hidden out of shame. Even during this interview, after being free of WestBoro Baptist for 30 years, these emotions are so strong that we needed to take a break mid-interview for Nate (and myself) to regain our composure.
For Nate, examining his past also means examining his present actions, which leads to another anxiety.
“I had a visceral reaction in anger when my (ex) wife would say to me, you’re so much like your father. The point is, on an emotional level I’m terrified of an expression of rage or anger because it’s too much like my old man, and I don’t want to have anything to do with him.”
Like many victims of parental abuse, Nate worries his behaviour (especially on anger issues) mirrors his father’s, but he is learning to deal with it productively.
“You also have to realize those are the moments people grow.” What he means is that when he confronts those moments where his parents teaching takes over—when he realizes he is acting by rote—he can then change, grow and embrace other options.
This includes how he views people his father demonized. For instance, Nate spoke about confronting the attitude towards homosexuality that pegs them as synonymous to child molesters. He had to re-evaluate his reaction towards the homosexual community.
“That’s been an evolution...I was very much my father’s son on that issue when I first left because I hadn’t really thought about it.” He had grown up in an environment that hammered home the belief homosexuals were evil and satanic. When his family started to actively protest against the gay community, he realized he had to examine his beliefs in this area. He came to understand his attitude towards LGBT people was a knee jerk reaction from what he was taught.
Nate has been asked the question that follows logically from the white hot hatred Fred has towards the LGBT community—is it possible his father or other members of the Phelps clan are deeply closeted? Certainly, given the large size of the “family”, it is statistically possible someone in the family could be homosexual.
Nate can’t say for sure, but he imagines if so, it is very unlikely such a person would be self-aware. Followers gain no real understanding of homosexuality that they could equate to themselves; all they really “know” is something inhuman and evil.
Nevertheless, Nate says, “There’s enough evidence out there that says if a person lives contrary to their nature long enough, it’s going to start spilling over, something’s going to come out, and it’s going to be eventually discovered.” As poetic as this might be, there could not be a worse hell than being a closeted gay in that environment.
The toxic environment of WBC drove not just Nate leave to the church, but several other siblings and now a second generation. Where possible, Nate tries to maintain contact with these orphans of WBC. Of this family, he’s probably closest to his older brother Mark, yet they haven’t talked in 2 years. Nate conceded there were some personal issues, but overall they do have a friendly relationship. One sibling – Dorotha – is still in Topeka and will communicate with Nate via email occasionally.
“Katherine...I don’t what to make of her. She left but then she has come back, but they won’t take her back as a member of the church. So she kind of hangs around the fringe and has her own version of madness.”
Also, thanks to Facebook, Nate has made contact with a number of his nephews who he has never met in person. This second generation has left WBC and, like Nate, has been ostracized by the rest of the family. Talking to these family members, he sees them struggling with the same problem he encountered when he left – breaking free of Fred Phelps’ teachings, and the deeply engrained beliefs about depravity in the world. This attitude makes it difficult to reach out to other people.
“It’s an isolating dynamic – we can’t accept [certain people] because we haven’t yet learned how to think for ourselves and think beyond what we were taught, so we don’t embrace anybody else because that would make us evil.”
Regarding the children and grandchildren of Fred Phelps, I asked Nate to speculate on the future of Westboro Baptist Church after Fred dies (he turned 80 in November). According to Pastor Phelps’ belief system, women are secondary to men. Therefore, his daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper would be discounted – despite her prominent appearance as a spokesperson second to Fred. Nate doesn’t think anyone – be it a son or grandson – will be able to continue and maintain the strength of WBC.
“There’s such a wellspring of cruelty and hatred in my father and that drives it, that’s the engine of this continued onslaught. The latest outrage flows from him. I just don’t know that there’s enough of that in any of them. I just can’t imagine it being transferred successfully.” As promising as that sounds, Nate still fears that Fred might somehow succeed in duplicating himself in one of the male descendants.
We are constantly hearing about the WBC popping up across the country at various protests, and fending off legal challenges. Assuming Fred or one of his children manage to maintain WBC well into the future, one may wonder who is paying for all of that.
Nate explains that admittedly, there was income from the law firm Phelps chartered in the past – and having a family of lawyers certainly reduced monies spent fighting lawsuits. Nate knows the law practise was busy in the past, yet given their infamy, one wonders if they are scraping the bottom of their client base.
One fiscal solution, Nate explained, was maintaining resources through tithing of church members. Growing up, a 10% tithe on income was a requirement as a member of WBC. This wasn’t a suggestion – withholding was treasonous and reason for expulsion from the family and church. From a family member, Nate discovered Fred has commanded an increase in tithing to 30% of income. Doing some rough arithmetic of the children, the spouses and Fred’s grandchildren who are grown and working, Nate guessed about 50 people earning an average $40,000—a total income of $2 million a year. Even without this tithe, the group receives a total annual donation of $600,000 from its members – certainly enough to continue running the organization. So hoping WBC goes broke soon is probably a long shot.
The 600 grand figure above does not include any financial help they get from outside sources. During his last run at public office in 1998, Fred received over 15,000 votes in the Democratic primary for Governor of Kansas. Despite Fred’s actions, some agree with what he’s saying – either openly or privately.
“I think there are some who say Fred Phelps is a saint, he’s a messenger of God, [and then donate money],” says Nate, adding that this is alongside others who publicly denounce WBC but privately donate.
And yet, Nate says WBC makes a point of explicitly stating that they don’t accept donations on the principle that “God will provide.” Part of “God providing” would also seem to be quietly accepting donations from past church members. As proof, Nate told us how at one point after he left the church, as he was still sorting through his beliefs, he thought his road to salvation might be assisted with tithing. So for a time he sent 10% of his income to them. “They never sent those cheques back.” Thus he thinks it’s possible they are getting outside support, but he can’t say for sure.
Regardless of how they maintain their financial resources, WBC is adept at always getting outside attention. In the age of obnoxious attitudes selling reality TV shows, WBC is the epitome of attention-whoredom when it comes to their protests. A number of Phelps’ critics have suggested WBC’s actions are a ploy to turn the public eye upon them above all else. People have suggested ignoring them as a tactic – thereby reducing the reward WBC gets at their protests. Nate doesn’t think that would work entirely.
“...They are convinced more or less that they are doing God’s work, and that any way to get more media attention is a good way to get more people to hear their message because that’s [WBC’s] job to get the message out.”
Nate concedes they also are probably enjoying what they do in their protests because of the attention they get. So even if we ignored them, they would continue to protest. The only thing we can do is wait for the “old man” (as Nate calls him) to pass on and hope Westboro Baptist Church crumbles without him.
Their eventual demise is one thing of which Nate is certain. Years will pass, his parents will die, and his siblings will die—despite their zealous belief that they and WBC members will ascend to the clouds when Christ returns.
“They live with the certainty in their hearts that none of them will die...but the reality that they will all die and in the end there will be this sordid footnote legacy of this cruel group of people who thought it was appropriate to treat people the way they did...what kind of legacy is that?” To anyone who admires Fred Phelps and points at what he has accomplished, Nate says “Yeah, look what he’s done. Anybody could do that. It doesn’t take talent. It doesn’t take years of effort and study. All it really takes is a commitment to being evil.”
