My friend Tyler Onassis (yep, he is related to the famous Greek shipping tycoon) got me thinking about this month’s Queer Quest topic: friendship. Does sexual orientation or identity have any effect on the way we construct our friendships? Is it really any different from how heterosexual individuals either view or develop their own friendships?

Here is what I have learned so far. Same-gender friendships are highly valued by both men and women, and both seek empathy and altruism from their friends in addition to companionship. “Women are more likely to want a same-gender friend who shares their values and confidences, while men are more likely to want a same-gender friend who shares their interests and activities.” [1] Comparable to heterosexuals, sexual minorities form close friendships with others similar to themselves in sex and race. [2]

Some writers suggest that friendships are the central organizing aspect of gay men’s lives, and that they facilitate the creation and transformation of community. [3] Friendships for queer individuals often substitute for family and consequently provide them the bulk of emotional support. [4] It is generally accepted too that friends help provide socialization into the gay community, and provide a role modeling function by “teaching” about gay culture, language, history, etcetera. [5]

A generalization that often appears in psychological studies is that gay men and lesbian women rely more on friends for social support than on family, in contrast to reverse findings for heterosexual men and women. Recent dissertation research found that although the heterosexual men did in fact have closer relationships to family compared to the gay men, both were closer to their friends, who they viewed as their “family of choice.” Furthermore, the men who were closer to their family were similarly closer to their friends (i.e., being able to establish closeness was generalized). [6]

Some research suggests that gay and lesbian adolescents have a harder time establishing friendship compared to their heterosexual counterparts. [7] Also, it is not uncommon for gay and bisexual male youth to lose at least one friend after disclosure or upon discovery. [8] A study from an American university found that about 40 percent of the participants suggested that they would like a lesbian or gay friend, despite believing that this would evoke some discomfort within them. [9] Clearly such findings do not apply to everyone’s experience – the above studies were all American based, conducted in the 1990s. The social reality for sexual minorities is changing rapidly in some places (Canada, for example), and what was true 10 years ago is no longer true today. However, some of you can relate to the difficulties of being young and queer. Not everyone embraces you equally, and some of you are really struggling as I write this today.

Compared to heterosexuals, gays and lesbians are more likely to report having cross-orientation friendships, and gay males are more likely to have friends of the opposite sex compared to both lesbians and heterosexuals. [10] Gay men and straight women often form great friendship bonds. You might wonder – is there a chance that these women will lust after their hot gay guy friends? You bet there is. There is also often attraction in friendships between cross-sex friendships in heterosexuals and same-sex friendships in lesbians and gay men as well. [11]

Lesbian women are most likely to develop friendships with other lesbians just as gay men befriend other gay men. While most gay men and lesbian women draw their friendships from the LGBT community, bisexual individuals generally develop friendships mostly with heterosexuals. [12]

You might wonder who talks on the phone more – gays, lesbians, or straights? (Okay, you probably haven’t wondered this, but I’m going to tell you anyway). If you guessed gay males and heterosexual females, you are correct: they talk on the phone more than lesbians and heterosexual males. [13] Let’s get a little more scandalous and “personal” now. Which group has sex with their friends? Turns out gay men are more likely to have sex with casual and close friends, but not with their best friends, while the converse is true for lesbian women – they are twice as likely to report that their best friend was once their lover and more likely to describe their current lover as their best friend. [14]

Gay men are often thought to be better able to establish and maintain close friendships compared to straight men, [15] however, this may be more because gay men often embrace androgyny more than traditional gender roles compared to straight men. [16] Consequently, the “metrosexual” straight man is probably as adept as gay men at forming and keeping friendships.

Gay males and lesbians appear to be equally disclosing in their friendships, each as likely as the other to talk through major conflicts or to ignore them. However, lesbians are more likely to express their emotions when confronted with conflict. [17]

The importance of friendships does not diminish over time. On the contrary, having supportive friendships becomes more important as people age. [18] Developing good friendships is not easy, and especially if you are new to where you are living, they take time to develop. Being a member of a gay organization has been shown to help facilitate the establishment of a positive friendship network. [19] Every issue of this magazine lists the gay organizations catering to the queer community in Edmonton and Calgary. If you live elsewhere, do some searching and find a gay club or group nearby to join. We all have a need to belong, especially when we belong to a group that still remains on the periphery of social acceptance.

Dr. Alderson is an associate professor of counselling psychology at the University of Calgary who specializes in gay and lesbian studies. He also maintains a private practice. He can be contacted by confidential email at alderson@ucalgary.ca, or by confidential voice mail at 605-5234.

References:

1) Nardi, P. M., & Sherrod, D. (1994). Friendship in the lives of gay men and lesbians. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 11(2), 185 199 [quote from p. 186].

2) Galupo, M. P. (2007). Friendship patterns of sexual minority individuals in adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 139 151.

3) Nardi, P. M. (1999). Gay men’s friendships: Invincible communities. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

4) Nardi & Sherrod (1994).

5) Kocet, M. M. (2002). An examination of friendship between gay men and its impact on psychological well being and identity disclosure: A case study. Dissertation Abstracts International Section A: Humanities and Social Sciences, 63(1 A), 97.

6) Grant, J. E. (2002). Single gay and heterosexual men’s involvement with friends and family. Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 63(5 B), 2650.

7) Marinoble, R. M. (1998). Homosexuality: A blind spot in the school mirror. Professional School Counseling, 1(3), 4-7.

8) Hart, T. A., & Heimberg, R. G. (2001). Presenting problems among treatment-seeking gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. In Session: Psychotherapy in Practice, 57, 615-627.

9) Mohr, J. J., & Sedlacek, W. E. (2000). Perceived barriers to friendship with lesbians and gay men among university students. Journal of College Student Development, 41(1), 70 80.

10) Schneider, M. S., & Witherspoon, J. J. (2000). Friendship patterns among lesbian and gay youth: An exploratory study. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 9(4), 239 246.

11) Galupo (2007).

12) Ibid.

13) Schneider & Witherspoon (2000).

14) Nardi & Sherrod (1994).

15) Bohan, J. S. (1996). Psychology and sexual orientation: Coming to terms. New York: Routledge.

16) Nardi & Sherrod (1994).

17) Ibid.

18) Shippy, R. A., Cantor, M. H., & Brennan, M. (2004). Social networks of aging gay men. Journal of Men’s Studies, 13(1), 107 120.

19) Kocet (2002).