The Defense of Marriage Act makes John Boehner weep. Not because of how sadistically cruel it is to gays and lesbians, nor how unconstitutional. No, DOMA makes him weep because he is in love with it. I dare say that Boehner wants to marry DOMA.

But he can't. Because that's not legal. However, Boehner can live in sin with DOMA so long as it's still on the books. And he's fighting like hell to keep it there.

You may recall that President Obama declared that DOMA was unconstitutional and that his administration wouldn't defend DOMA in court. Boehner went bananas and decided that if Obama wouldn't defend his beloved DOMA, then he would, personally. Not by himself, mind you, but with the help of a Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group. Don't let the name fool you. There's nothing bipartisan about this group. It has a decidedly pro-DOMA Republican majority telling House lawyers what to do. The two Democrats in the group are basically window dressing.

On October 8 Boehner graced the stage of the Value Voters Summit, one of the most anti-gay conventions in the United States. "I've raised my hand to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States and the laws of our country," said Boehner. "And if the Justice Department was not going to defend this act passed by Congress, well, then we will. And we have defended the law that the Congress passed."

Boehner and Company's latest legal maneuver is to argue that because gays and lesbians have political clout they don't deserve the kind of legal protections that, say, racial minorities receive.

Oh, got it. Since homosexuals aren't downtrodden little match girls, they're on their own. The government isn't going to step in and protect them from discriminatory laws.

Also, the pro-DOMA congressmen argue that DOMA isn't bothering anybody. "There is nothing intrusive in the least about DOMA," they said. "It is simply a definitional statute that defines, for federal law purposes, marriage and spouse."

Got it? It's just a simple little definition. No harm no foul. Unless, of course, you consider what falls under "for federal law purposes." If a gay couple married in, say, Massachusetts moves to, say, Michigan wants to file a joint tax return, no dice. Social Security survivor benefits? Nope. Need an I-130 visa so your immigrant spouse isn't deported? Too bad, so sad.

But hey, that's not intrusive at all.

"A spate of recent news stories only confirms the conclusion that homosexuals are far from politically powerless," the filing says. "Accordingly, gays and lesbians cannot be labeled 'politically powerless' without draining that phrase of all meaning."

In other words, "Quit yer whining, homos. Sure you're still discriminated against, but you're not discriminated against as much. Any less discrimination and you'd practically be full-fledged citizens worthy of respect and protection under the law." And that'll happen as soon as monkeys fly out of Boehner's (totally not gay) butt.

If only gays and lesbians were "politically powerless." Ah, to go back to the pre-Stonewall days.

Actually, Boehner and his boys are right. If it weren't for Stonewall and the brave gays and lesbians of that era there probably wouldn't be a DOMA at all. DOMA was, after all, a reaction to the growing visibility and political savvy of homos. And once homos stopped letting themselves to be loaded into police vans and started fighting back, it was hard to argue that they were weak and pathetic. The strength of gays and lesbians has only grown.

No wonder Boehner's afraid.