If I ask you to imagine a culture where the adults behave like children, and the children behave like adults, you might wonder what episode of Star Trek I’m talking about. In reality you may need to look no further than your own stomping grounds here on Planet Earth. I’m noticing this polarization of maturity levels happening more and more within the gay community, and I’ve been pretty darn curious as to why this is happening.
Now don’t get me wrong – I’m happy to report that the majority of GLBT adults that I know are mature and responsible, and not so happy to say that I’ve seen far too much of youth my age (I’m only 26, believe it or not) that I’ve seen are mostly concerned about getting high and getting laid. But the scales have started tipping lately, and I think I might be able to offer an observation – our writer Kevin Alderson, a registered psychologist, might confirm or contest this.
In my understanding, the whole idea of the GLBT community is to offer one another an unfair advantage, after a long history of being dealt unfair disadvantages from the rest of society. Well...a tightly knit social network, a moral support system, people to turn to when you need help – these things are the fabric of society, they are not an unreasonable thing to ask for. However in business, the nepotism, under the table deals and secret favours are.
The disadvantages that past and present generations have had to face are numerous, and profoundly barbaric for a society that thinks it’s above foot-binding and female circumcision. In western society we seem to rather resort to mind games to cripple one another as necessary to fit into the mould. Let’s go through the basic inventory – it’s not the story of every GLBT person, but certainly the story of some.
The first trauma is faced as we come of age, getting the feeling that there is something wrong with us as we begin to realize that our orientations do not match what we have been prepared for. By that age, we have a superficial understanding of the societal view of homosexuality, if from nothing more but the overwhelming lack of representation in the media targeted toward our age group. We witness asexual affections between cartoon characters like Mickey and Minnie Minnie mouse, and even the Beauty (Belle) and the Beast – a character not even human but for his mind. If children are meant to learn life lessons from Belle, who looks past appearances to find a person she loves underneath a deceiving exterior, then why can’t Gastón (assuming he wasn’t a superficial jerk to begin with) fall in love with the Beast instead? It is hypocrisy, and it teaches future GLBT children to think of themselves as damaged, if not confusing them outright.
Not many kids have to carry a secret so shameful that they can’t talk about it with their parents and friends. Perhaps they purposely killed an animal, tried to set fire to their school, stole a chocolate bar from a convenience store, cheated on a school exam, or vandalized public property. They know these things are wrong and yet they did them anyway to find out what happens. Some face serious repercussions and learn their lesson; some don’t get caught but feel so guilty that they never do it again; others make a habit of it, and grow up to be criminals.
Meanwhile, otherwise innocent children have witnessed their parents putting down the goofy stereotypes on TV, or giving them mysterious warnings about the two men or two women that live together just down the street, or being told outright that homosexuality is shameful, wrong, and unforgiveable. So GLBT children are made to feel just like those other bad kids – perhaps even worse after being pushed to the bottom of the pecking order when bullied by those bad kids – when they have really done nothing wrong. Like binding one’s feet in ancient Chinese tradition, some GLBT children crumble under the pressure to curb their “unacceptable” thoughts and feelings at this early age, before they are fully formed. It only gets worse when they try going through the motions with some poor girl who is destined to get her heart broken.
One fairly recent scene that particularly turned my stomach was a televised broadcast showing parents who brought their children to a traditional marriage rally. The children had sombre but blank expressions on their faces, responding to the anger and indignation in their parents’ voices but looking up to them to watch out for their best interests - which they are presumably too young to understand and accomplish for themselves. What a sick joke that the parents, who boasted this rally to be “for the children”, refused to acknowledge the statistical inevitability that one or more of the children in that very room would grow up to be part of the group that they were lobbying against. How disheartening it would be to know your mom and dad fought so that you couldn’t get married. It is a disgusting betrayal from those who we, as children, have little choice but to trust unconditionally. But I digress.
Still, I would argue that most, if not all of the emotional turmoil prior to this time in a child’s life can be overcome with the help of a supportive family. Even if we are made to feel like deviants from outside sources, it is our family that holds the most power at the end of the day. That is not to say that the traditional family unit is infallible - one can just as easily have abusive, dysfunctional, or unfit parents. But the main obstacle to that potential love and acceptance from them is the often the terrifying act of coming out.
Coming out can be the pivotal moment that makes or breaks GLBT youth. Even in a loving family, there is still the risk of being rejected by what should be our strongest support system. When this happens, it is perhaps the single most devastating disadvantage that a child can face. The unfortunate timing can rob us of our education – the knowledge and skills we need to become successful adults and cope with the real world. Furthermore, we must go on to find ways to support ourselves financially without an education, and with an emotional instability that can ruin our chances of keeping a steady, honest job.
The sad irony is that many parents who loathe their child for being queer, do so for seeing the media glorify a filthy lifestyle of drugs, sex and prostitution among GLBT individuals. If not the media, it is the religious right treat it as a “condition” or a disease. And yet, these parents are the ones pushing their child out the door toward such a lifestyle, while they stick by their children with mental retardation, autism, attention deficit disorder, down’s syndrome, and any other number of horrible real diseases and conditions. More hypocrisy, no matter how you look at it.
These GLBT children do grow up physically, and while they look like adults, many are still part-way stuck in the mentality of a child; they may have grown enough mentally to survive and sustain themselves, but socially and sexually they are no further along. Like a bound foot on an adult female in 10th century China, the child is crippled into adulthood to fit society’s idea of beauty. While the foot still covers the same amount of surface area as it did when first bound, the growth has pushed out in other directions, resulting in something distorted and dysfunctional.
With the freedom of adulthood, some choose to sort out the thoughts and feelings that they were made to suppress previously. Perhaps this is the “choice” that critics like to reduce homosexuality to being – like “choosing” to exhale after holding your breath for so long. This is when GLBT adults truly start to feel inept. They know their attraction but have to struggle through awkwardness, just like the phase most straight teenagers were able to get safely done and over with when they first hit puberty. But with the full needs of an adult, they often come across as too aggressive or creepy, scaring others off or alarming the greater community with behaviour that is uncharacteristic of most other adults. Some learn fast, others never get the hint. Some try to pick up where they left off with younger individuals, others look to older individuals to provide the sense of security they need.
This is my offer of an explanation why we sometimes see full-grown GLBT’s throw hissy fits and get into fist fights, too easily grow swollen egos and narcissistic qualities, fight tooth and nail to be more popular than others, get jealous or misbehave when they’re not the centre of attention, become tyrants that bully one another around on personal whims, and shun one another based on unsubstantiated gossip – to name only a few of the more shameful behaviours.
Meanwhile, I feel that my generation was on a cusp, as now things are finally starting to change. More and more GLBT youth groups are emerging so that we are no longer so isolated within the school system. Parents are now budding from a generation that is more accepting and better equipped to raise a GLBT child, should things happen to end up that way. Furthermore, programs like Camp fYrefly and Act Out put youth in a position of leadership that prepares them for hardships they might face, giving them tools and resources that they can use to help themselves and others. While I’m a little sad that I just barely missed these new opportunities for youth (the maximum age for Camp fYrefly is 24), I feel a duty to do what I can from my position to make sure the ball keeps rolling.
With any luck, more of the new generation will be free of the fears, steer clear of the obstacles, be prepared for the dangers, and leave behind some of the destructive quirks of the older generation. In the meantime, we are seeing a rare snapshot in GLBT history where a proportion of adults behave like children, and a proportion of children behave like adults.
Last Month
Earlier last month the Calgary Eagle held a special dinner similar to Momma G’s Christmas Dinner that happened during the holiday season last year. Though Steve and I bought our tickets well in advance, with my dad out of town I got the wild idea to invite my mom along. I hadn’t visited her in a while, so this was an excellent opportunity to spend some time, and invite her for a night out in our world.
Now, I’ve only brought my mom out to a gay bar once before. Steve was a little worried about the culture shock, but I was prepared to explain things to her in a sensitive manner as they came up. The Eagle had decorated the walls which covered up some of the more risqué posters, and of course the pornos weren’t running, so luckily the only thing that did come up were the “bear crossing” signs. That was an easy one - I was even able to point out an example at the end of our table.
My mom had a wonderful time; the Eagle managed to accommodate her food allergies, and she got a chance to meet and interact with a handful of friends in the community. She put her foot in her mouth a couple of times, as expected (I showed her up with my inappropriate comment about the pink butter), but everyone rolled with it and even poked a little fun at her that she could appreciate. She may be a little naive, but you can’t fault her for not having a good sense of humour. All in all, it was a very positive experience.
Valentines this year wasn’t the usual story for Steve and I. In the past I’ve made a lot of the effort to ensure we do something special for that day, but this year between the many things on my plate, I remained completely oblivious until the night before. When it came up in conversation, I tried to act like I wasn’t surprised, but I think Steve picked up on it. Though I didn’t get to bed until the wee hour of 5am that night, Steve still waited till I was asleep to secretly fix some pancakes with strawberries for us to eat the next morning. When morning rolled around, I woke the tired guy up with a flurry of kisses.
As the day pressed on, we went out to run a couple of errands. Steve sent me off to check magazine quantities while he did a bank deposit, and we agreed to meet for lunch back at the Earls that we had gone to the first day I met him. As I arrived at the restaurant, he pulled out a bouquet of flowers from under the table, that he had picked up in my planned absence - very sneaky, but I was too flattered to care. Looking around, there were a fair number of other tables with couples like us. We had a wonderful lunch, and I can’t talk about the rest of the day (wink).
The Calgary Eagle celebrated their 6th Anniversary this past February 23rd, and boy did the Bird get packed! DJ WCDB was spinning for the last time here in Calgary before he leaves us (and Edmonton) for so-called greener pastures...hmmf! Staff and owners from most other bars showed up to join the celebration, and even wish founder Ron Scheetz a belated Happy Birthday. Johnathan made himself hoarse announcing the prize giveaways the good old-fashioned way. I myself won a new cum towel (subtly marked CUM TOWEL in bold black letters), while others won grander prizes like cock ring collections, assorted gift baskets, and even a “special” shower head.
Meanwhile I wrestled with our older camera, which just that night decided to start its death throes. I managed to work around it enough to get photos, but we’ll definitely need to invest in a replacement quickly.
This Month
Once again, the gay rush starts. With the Easter Weekend being several weeks earlier than last year, Apollo Western Cup is happening this month alongside of The Vagina Monologues, Calgary Cares, and the debut GirlsGroove dance in Calgary.
As for Edmonton, The Pride Centre of Edmonton is hosting the Roman themed Empire Ball to raise funds. By the time of print, the Bear Beer Bash will have already happened, but a new event entitled “United Gathering of Men” is kicking off, to happen at Boots on the 2nd Saturday of every month.
For more information, check out the events in our community directory in this magazine, or visit the soon-to-be-new-and-improved Events Calendar online at www.gaycalgary.com/events.
Pastor Ron from Rainbow Community Church asked if he could write an article about Easter in this month’s magazine. We thought we might give it a try to include some input from a religious point of view that is accepting to GLBT people. This is probably the first article of its type, and though it carries a message to a Christian audience, it will probably not agree with everyone. The GLBT community is a diverse mingling of cultures and religions, and we don’t want to offend anyone that does not share the same spiritual views. Though Pastor Ron would like this to be a regular column, we will have to see the community’s reaction to gauge this. For the time being I’ve had to put a short disclaimer that his views are not necessarily those of this magazine.
Our Lesbian Sex column continues to surprise us. Believe it or not, we receive two versions of this article each month – there’s X-rated, and then there’s PG-13 which we print. It doesn’t seem to make much of a difference as a gay man. This month’s topic of Cunnilingus might be a little graphic, but dig in ladies!
Election Mayhem
I swear the conservatives planned it this way – calling the election only a few days into the month, and holding it only a few days into the next. This is a very sneaky manoeuvre to say the least. While the Conservative party has been running their ads and smear campaigns for a while now, candidates from other parties hoping to advertise in monthly publications are in essence screwed by only getting a few days of exposure before the election.
GayCalgary and Edmonton Magazine usually puts together an article that reviews the position of candidates running in ridings across our two cities, but for the sake of getting the information out a few days earlier, we have opted to publish the article on the GayCalgary.com website instead. Make sure you pop online to check out the views of candidates in your area.
GayCalgary on Facebook
We’ve finally given in to the craze and started up an official GayCalgary Facebook group! Look for us online and join up to receive updates, browse photos, and more. You can use it to get in contact with us, and find other friends in the Calgary area.
We want to hear what YOU have to say about the topics in this article, and any other articles in our magazine. Visit the chat forums at www.gaycalgary.com and write your heart out! Or write us a letter to the publisher by E-mailing publisher@gaycalgary.com, and we may respond to it in the magazine!
