Bar-havioral Problems
Gay bar bartenders, who are not necessarily gay bartenders, are usually the most efficient and fair intoxicologists in the drinking universe. I say “fair” because at straight establishments, hot women and rich-looking men (usually jerks) get first priority, and the bartenders frequently take drink orders out of order. Infuriating! This is not often the case in gay watering holes, where the bartenders tend to be the hottest people in the room and don’t need to impress you by serving you first. (You need impress them with the size of your tips.)
Also, gay bar patrons know how to behave (toward the bartender anyway) and will often line up in an orderly fashion at the drink well rather than shouting and waving like the opening scene of The Love Boat all along the bar. I take straight friends to my favorite gay bar and they are amazed at the German-like efficiency in place. They are often jealous and determine to start coming there every night, until they hear the 14th Madonna remix in a row. I can’t say I blame them.
In a nightclub or other crowded venue, or anywhere with a mixed crowd, all bets for orderly ordering are off. You need to gain the attention of the bartender as well as make him or her think you’re going to be a good (i.e., fast, non-annoying) customer. Here are a few suggestions for attracting the bartender and keeping his attentions.
Look available. You want to make eye contact with the bartender and have him/her give you the “I see you” nod. To accomplish this, face the bar, not your friends behind you. If you’re turned around chatting and using the bar as a leaning post, you’re not giving the right signal.
Be ready. When you are trying to get the bartender’s attention, have visible cash in your hand - but don’t wave it around unless there is a row of drag queens in six-inch heels blocking your line of sight. And if you’re planning to pay with a credit card, you may want to keep that hidden. It takes longer to process, so the bartender will serve the cash-holding folks first. Also, be ready with your friends’ drink orders. Don’t wait until the bartender gets there to turn around and say, “What do you guys want?” As the person standing next to you, I’ll swoop in and say “Three martinis please” when your back is turned. I’m like that.
Strategize. Don’t shout to get the bartender’s attention. Nobody likes to be yelled at while doing their job. A friendly “Hi!” sometimes helps though. Make your first tip the most generous one to help ensure prompt service and healthy pours for the rest of the evening. And be respectful of others - if the guy next to you was waiting longer but the bartender comes to you, give him the “he was here first” point. The bartender will remember that you’re next, and you never know if that guy next to you will return the favor and pay for your drink.
Colder, smaller, weaker: Better martinis
The diplomatic way of defining the “best martini” is as “the martini that you like the best.” But, really, if you’re pulling a jug of vodka out of the freezer and pouring it into a glass, you’re not drinking a martini at all. You’re drinking a glass of cold vodka. Add olives and you’ve got vodka with a snack.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I drink cold vodka all the time, and who doesn’t enjoy a string of olives for dinner? But a martini is a mixed drink, necessitating more than one ingredient to mix into it.
The working theory is that the martini started as a spinoff of the Martinez, a cocktail made with sweetened gin, sweet vermouth, maraschino liqueur and bitters (with a lemon twist). As tastes in cocktails shifted away from sweet drinks, the “Dry Martini” made with dry vermouth became more popular, and eventually most everybody forgot about the bitters. Vodka didn’t become an option until later.
Given the variations over time, you could rightfully order your martini made with gin or vodka, sweet or dry vermouth or none at all, bitters or not, olives or a twist – and you could find a published recipe to back it up. None are the “right” way to make a martini, but I would encourage experimentation to find the way that’s right for you.
While jumbo-sized martini glasses used in many bars provide a lot of liquor for the dollar, by the time you get to the bottom half you’re drinking room-temperature alcohol. That is bad. Or worse, it’s a warm salt bath if you’ve got the extra-large-sized olives in there that help to heat it up. The very classiest of bars serve their martinis in very small, very cold glasses – with an additional quantity of the drink in an ice-chilled container on the side. That is lovely. At home, I use vintage (small) glassware and keep the remainder cooling of the strained drink in the freezer.
Do not fear vermouth. Try it and you might find you actually like it – but probably not the 4-year-old, mostly full bottle gathering dust in the back of your liquor cabinet. Use a fresh bottle. Vermouth spoils like wine after opening, so buy small bottles and keep them in the refrigerator to lengthen their life span.
Ice, too, is an ingredient in the drink. If you keep your vodka or gin in the freezer, not much water will melt into your martini. Dilution brings the drink down to a manageable level of alcoholic strength to keep you from making that too-strong scrunchy face that gives you wrinkles. A martini should be refreshing, not painful.
The shaken-versus-stirred decision is not worth the weight given to it. Shaking adds ice chips and air bubbles that make the drink look cloudy and taste fizzy, whereas stirring results in a clear and smooth cocktail from the get-go. I prefer a stirred martini when I’m at a nice cocktail lounge, but I do often shake them at home. Not because it tastes better, but because shaking is more fun.
Camper English is a cocktails and spirits writer and publisher of Alcademics.com.
