Bullying, we’ve come to realize in recent years, is not just teasing. It is a form of assault. I don’t think it’s overstating the case to say it is a form of psychic assault. The effects of being bullied can last for years and affect how one responds to the world.
Years ago, bullying was pretty much confined to school and maybe some of the social spaces kids share. That didn’t make it any easier for the kid being bullied, but at least there was home to escape to. Now, with the Internet and social networks being ubiquitous, escaping bullying is virtually impossible. With sites like Facebook and YouTube, it is now possible to post worldwide. Anyone and everyone can be exposed to the shame that being bullied brings and, for many people, that is just too much to bear.
In recent weeks the media has been filled with reports of suicides as the result of cyber-bullying. In one instance an 18-year old Rutgers University freshman, Tyler Clementi, jumped off New York’s George Washington Bridge after his roommate posted videos of him having sex with another male. The roommate is not being charged with murder, since he didn’t “directly” kill Clementi. What he has been charged with is invasion of privacy. What sort of soulless self-involved jerk does that sort of thing? The poster is not just some kid who took a practical joke too far; he’s a sociopath, totally disinterested and uncaring about anybody but himself. And he’s not alone. More and more kids are becoming disconnected from the world and other people, as their connection to the Internet becomes more widespread. That scares me, to be honest.
Kids often cannot escape the bullying unless an adult intervenes and, even at that, the intervention doesn’t stop the bullying, it simply alters it. Bullies will find other ways to torment their victims. Having an adult intervene can set the victim up as a ‘tattle-tale’, or worse - and the kid is victimized even more.
Cyber-bullying is insidious. Adults are often totally unaware of what is happening on the sites frequented by their kids and teens. For the most part, these sites are pretty innocuous but they can be used to bully, and are.
The upside, if one can use the term, is that the issue is garnering serious attention. It wasn’t too many years ago that bullying was dismissed as some sort of rite of passage that youths had to endure. It was often perceived, by adults and other authority figures, as an object lesson of how to adapt and “fit in.” Bullying, while not actively supported by adults (that would appear heartless), was at least tacitly accepted as a form of self-policing amongst youth, a sort of peer-pressure being exerted that supposedly ensured that a child learned what was appropriate behaviour amongst his or her peers.
Of course, this was totally off-base and a complete misunderstanding of the dynamics involved. Bullying is never about “teaching” anything. Those who are bullied can attest to the reality that, no matter how they try to fit in - to adopt the right clothes for instance, or behave like their peers - the bullying continues. In fact, the desperate attempt to fit in can be a source of further attacks. It seems, to the one being bullied, that no matter what he or she does, says, or tries, the bullying is never-ending and can escalate in some instances. It is not the one being bullied who needs to change; it is the ones doing the bullying who need to be held accountable and create change in their behaviour and attitudes.
The ‘blame the victim’ mentality has come to an end in almost any instance one might care to name, except in instances of bullying. Well-meaning adults, including concerned parents, continue in many instances to counsel the victim to ignore the verbal attacks, to stand up for themselves, to fight back, to be the one who is pro-active and “go to an adult.” This is easier said than done, especially when you are having your self-esteem and sense of self-worth actively eroded. Is that erosion not the very definition of emotional abuse?
I recall when I was 14, and being constantly bullied, saying to my parents I just wished my tormentors would beat me up and be done with it. At least being physically assaulted had some definition to it, something concrete. But that never happened. Oh sure, there were threats - constant threats - of “getting me” after school, the occasional shove in the hallways, but most of the harassment was...I can’t even name it now, all these years later. I suppose the closest I can come to describing it is social isolation, verbal harassment and emotional undermining; a daily, never-ending picking away at my sense of self. It was devastating.
With the recent attention being paid to bullying, and in particular to cyber-bullying, we now see the incredible phenomenon of a sitting President of the United States speaking out in support of GLBTQ youth and against bullying.
President Obama has taken the unprecedented step of recording a video spot for the It Gets Better Project, that was then posted on YouTube and the White House website. He relates that while he cannot know what it is like to be bullied for being gay, he knows what it is like to feel like you don’t fit in, that you are different and don’t belong. He reinforced the Project’s message that, while it may not seem so to a kid suffering from bullying, it does get better. And it does, but knowing that on an intellectual level and feeling it are two separate things. For many kids and teenagers whose own development has yet to include an ability to understand consequences perhaps, or grasp that what is happening in the now is only in the now and not forever, (and this is absolutely a developmental issue in that below a certain age, the brain simply does not process things and situations the way an adult brain does) such a message may not carry that much weight.
What does carry weight, I would suspect, is hearing the President of the United States, and a president whose campaign resonated with the youth of America unlike any campaign since the era of John F. Kennedy, speaking out in support of GLBTQ youth. That, in itself, is enough to give hope to at least some of our kids...and they are “our kids”....that they are not alone and that someone understands and gives a damn.
He also pointed out there is an obligation to ensure schools are safe for “all of our kids” and he also made a point of mentioning that, “in time, you will see your differences are a source of pride and a source of strength. You will look back on the struggles you faced with compassion and wisdom and that’s not going to just serve you, but, you know, help you get involved and help make this country a better place. It’ll mean you will be more likely to help fight discrimination and not just against LBGT Americans, but discrimination in all its forms. ... It’s more likely you will understand personally and deeply why it’s so important, as adults, we set an example in our own lives and we treat everybody with respect and see the world through other people’s eyes and stand in their shoes - that we never lose sight of what binds us together.”
He added, “As a nation, we are founded on the belief that all of us are equal and each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness, to make the most of our talents, to speak our minds, to not fit in, but most of all to be true to ourselves. That’s the freedom that enriches all of us, that’s what America is all about, and every day it gets better.”
While the release of the video is notable, being the first time a president has spoken directly about the effects of anti-GLBTQ discrimination, the Obama administration has taken it further by launching a presidential campaign against homophobic bullying.
The campaign does not break new legal ground but it does offer a comprehensive guide to how American civil rights law applies to schools, colleges and university campuses and informs teachers and university officials how federal law regards situations of harassment and discrimination, and how institutions should deal with cases.
Included in the campaign are guidelines for teachers that it may not be enough to simply reprimand the bullies. Amongst the suggestions are placing bullies who are, after all, the ones with the problem, into counselling, to label bullying as discriminatory and encourage other students to report incidents.
In a letter sent out to schools, colleges and universities, the Assistant Secretary for Civil Rights at the Department of Education outlined the legal obligations that school staff have to protect students from peer harassment based on race, color, national origin, gender, sexual orientation or disability.
“Harassing conduct may take many forms, including verbal acts and name-calling; graphic and written statements, which may include use of cell phones or the Internet; or other conduct that may be physically threatening, harmful or humiliating. ... A school is responsible for addressing harassment incidents about which it knows or reasonably should have known.”
In addition to the guidelines issued in the letter to educators, the Department of Education will also hold workshops across the country in early 2011 to assist school officials in understanding their legal responsibilities and to learn about steps they can take to prevent problems on campus.
Such actions are a seismic shift in attitudes towards bullying. It is finally being seen, and named, for what it is: discrimination, harassment, and even hate. Much bullying is immature one-up-manship where kids struggling to assure their own niche in the social order, safeguard it by going after those perceived to be weaker, less popular, or different – but that in no way excuses it, and those who engage in bullying need to be brought to task for their actions. Turning a blind eye to it or viewing it as “kids being kids” gives it strength. It is, when all is said and done, a tacit approval of the behaviour and that is unacceptable.
What also needs to be addressed is the casual use of “gay” as some sort of put down. I work in an environment that has a lot of high school students, and I can tell you the frequency of anti-GLBTQ comments, simply tossed off as some sort of simile for ‘gross’ or ‘ugly’ or ‘lame’ or as a way of ‘getting at’ another student - it is huge. Sometimes it is out-and-out homophobia but more often it’s just a word…except it isn’t. Just as it is no longer acceptable to talk about “being Jewed” when one feels one has been cheated, or to use the “N-word,” it should be unacceptable to blithely toss out “gay”, “queer”, “dyke”, or “fag” as epithets.
Such comments need to be challenged every time one encounters them. This is not as easy as it sounds. Even as an adult who spent 20 years in the trenches of gay activism, I still feel a knot in my gut when I challenge this and get met with “What’s your problem, man? You queer too?” Is that enough to just let the comments slide? No, it’s not. I don’t tolerate anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, racist or sexist comments. So why would I allow homophobic comments?
In order for my actions to have any weight, however, it is necessary that others buy into it as well, just as in order for anti-homophobic bullying initiatives to have any weight, society as a whole has to buy into them and speak out.
Political and social leaders have finally stepped up to the plate. We all need to. 