Q: It’s been so upsetting to the queer kids at my middle school to hear about all the teen suicides lately and the awful bullying going on. One guy I know got punched in the face recently and his Facebook page was smeared with homophobic comments like "faggot." What can we do to help our friends?

A: That’s really admirable that you want to reach out to other kids in trouble. This recent series of high-publicity gay teen suicides has lots of people asking that same question: "What can we do?" And while the answers at first feel overwhelming, my advice in this situation is quite clear: It’s everyone’s responsibility to help fight public and private expressions of homophobia and transphobia, especially when violence is involved or could be anticipated.

The truth is that you and your friends may already be doing the two most important things: Being yourselves and supporting each other. But there’s always more.

In the case of your friend at the other school, you could certainly help him if you suggested that he talk to his parents or school officials about reporting that assault —yes, he was assaulted. I know that can be hard to do, but you can’t stop bullying unless he (or she) is called on it.

That Facebook mess is an example of how "direct" confrontation has its place: Without saying anything threatening or targeting individuals by name, go ahead and post some supportive messages on the guy’s page. Make sure that lots of your other friends do that too. You can also report the individuals making the hateful comments to Facebook, who will cancel their accounts.

Q: On National Coming Out Day, my father recently told the family that he’s gay. To be honest, I didn’t know what to say back to him. What would you have suggested?

A: In a dream world, you’d be genuinely happy for your father and shout "Mazel tov" or "Congratulations" and give him a big hug. And it would be but one supportive voice among many, with warm wishes from friends, colleagues and other relatives alike. But if that’s not in your heart right now, at the very least I’d suggest you thank your dad for being open and honest with you and tell him that your love for him has not changed. Most LGBT people—yes, even our fathers and mothers—fear rejection more than anything else when they’re coming out. By the way, it’s not too late to take my advice and speak with your dad.

Q: The other day my friend, Stan, invited me over for drinks. When I got to his apartment, Barry, who is partnered with my best friend, had just come out of the bedroom wearing a towel. It was really awkward and Stan was shocked that I know Barry and his partner. Barry and my best friend have been together for years and their relationship is supposed to be monogamous: Do I tell my friend, yell at Barry -- or just keep my mouth shut?

A: Yikes! What’s up with Stan that he invited you over while he still has a paramour on the premises?

If you step back from the situation a little, however, you’ll realize that best thing that could happen would be for Barry to let you know that he’s going fess up to his partner—so that 1) you don’t have to and 2) you won’t have to have a guilty conscience about saying nothing to your friend. With any luck, Barry will reach out to you with this plan. But, if he doesn’t, call him and let him know "what a good idea" you’d think it would be for him to "do the right thing." Obviously, the implied threat is that if he doesn’t speak up, you will, but I wouldn’t actually say that.

Still, Barry may call your bluff by not saying anything. Then, I’d fold and sit it out on the sidelines because you’re really in a no-win situation. If you turn Barry in, there’s the slight possibility that your understanding of their monogamous status was wrong in the first place -- or that sharing this information wasn’t what your friend would have wanted. Perhaps, ignorance may be bliss for him.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that couples often do "kill the messenger" in a charged situation like this. If these two fellows get through this rough patch and back to trusting each other, there’s a real possibility they will both view you as interfering or as a troublemaker. If in the end, if your friend does find out that you knew about his philandering partner and didn’t say anything, tell him the truth: That was Barry’s responsibility.

Q: I started working as a police officer just last year. When I was first hired, pretty much everyone asked me why I’m not married. Then came the gay jokes. I’ve tried to let it go since I’m still a rookie, but it seems like they know I’m gay and want to push me out the door. How would you handle this?

A: As a law enforcement officer yourself, you may know that the workplace you’re describing pretty much fits the description of "hostile" and your treatment verges on harassment. It may even be sexual harassment, depending on various factors such as whether your harassers know you’re gay. Often, people think that sexual harassment only happens to women, but that’s not the case. In fact, it was only recently that same-sex sexual harassment became widely accepted as real. The law now extends its protections to all of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

However your workplace mistreatment might eventually be categorized, there are things you can do about it. Start by talking informally and off-the-record to a supervisor or ombudsman (someone whom you think is generally supportive), to decide whether or not to file an official complaint. At the same time, do your best to make sure you have communicated that the "jokes" offend you or make you uncomfortable. This communication can be in person, by letter or through email. In addition, keep a diary of what’s going on, including dates, times, places and what exactly has been said and done and by whom. Also keep track what you have done in response.

If all else fails, make an official report to the department and/or contact an LGBT rights group or an attorney specializing in employment law to find out your options. But be careful: Lesbians and gay men can be fired at will simply because of their sexual orientation. And until Congress enacts the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, that will remain the case.

Q: I’m a lesbian who’s had breast cancer. I’ve been dating a little but am uncomfortable about my body and not sure when to discuss the various health issues and the marks they’ve left. Before we have sex – or after?

A: Starting to date and then going to bed with someone new can raise all kinds of anxieties; add into the mix feeling self-conscious about scars and/or the loss of body parts and I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable. Your question is part and parcel of one of the most common of dating concerns: When do you talk about the "skeletons" in your closet? The answer is slowly. As the relationship deepens, offer up the basic facts of your medical history and be open to any questions. Not surprisingly, that’s why many of us with body image concerns (full disclosure: I have a testicular prosthesis) choose to wait to have sex until we’re comfortable enough with a new partner to discuss these issues. Still, steel yourself for the possibility of rejection. Once, after I told a new boyfriend that I had had testicular cancer, he thanked me for being honest and sent me on my way, saying: "I just buried my partner who died from cancer. I can’t go down that path again."

The last word: Don’t forget that each of us is the composite of our experiences (surgery included), and these make our beauty unique.

Q: Many of my straight friends send holiday cards with their kids front and center. Since my partner and I don’t have any offspring, can we send a card with just us as the cover models? We could add in our cat if you think that would help.

A: Most holiday photo cards feature kids ("aren’t they adorable!") or vacation destinations ("look at how fabulous we are!") as key elements. The truth is that these images are just another example of the deep narcissistic streak in our culture ("look at me and my beautiful family"). But there are limits: It’s actually pretty rare that couples alone -- straight or gay -- pose for their close-ups without a supporting player. Since equality is all about parity, I’d say do go ahead with your close-up—just don’t forget your cat ("isn’t she beautiful?")

One last note: If you’re not already out, this is quietly effective way to do so. Imagine the photo: two husbands and their cat in front of the fireplace. ("The warmest of holidays from Justin, Benji, and Garfield!")