One of the least-known or understood segments of the LGBT community is that of admirers of transgender people. This doesn’t mean people who simply make exceptions for transgender folks who pique their interest, but those who become particularly fascinated by transfolk and specifically look for trans partners. It is a fairly hidden subculture, with no community organization and with very little information available (there are only two major information and resource websites: TSgirlfriend.com and Renee Reyes’ Admirers’ Handbook, http://www.reneereyes.com/Webdocs/mtintro.html). It doesn’t help that the transgender community itself tends to shun admirers, often referring to them as “tranny chasers”. Much of this shunning stems from past behaviour displayed by some admirers who really don’t understand the objects of their affection. Furthermore, most of the education available is the misinformation gleaned from “shemale” porn.

So we’ll take a moment to look at trans admirers and provide some clearer information for those who are interested in trans relationships.

Trans admirers do come from many directions, including both predominantly straight and predominantly gay persons, and admirers of alternately female-to-male and male-to-female transsexuals. Women who are attracted to transfolk (male or female) are usually more attracted to a concept of “males who’re exploring their feminine side” or “females who’re exploring their masculine side,” while male admirers tend to have a far more sexually-driven interest. Admirers of transmen do exist, far more than many think, but because the majority of admirers are males who are attracted to transwomen, that is what we’ll look at for now. In most of this discussion, parallel ideas exist for other permutations. As well, we are dealing with many generalizations – exceptions will always exist. In a community so diverse, it is hard to account for everything.

“What Am I?”

Male trans admirers are often confronted with a self-directed sense of homophobia, either afraid of possibly being gay or ashamed of being somewhat transgressive. Many tend to think of orientation as a continuum, with homosexuality and heterosexuality at opposite ends, and very few people actually being strictly one or the other. A person could be attracted to women 95% of the time, for example, but still encounter the occasional exception where they find themselves curious about a relationship or encounter with a man. Transwomen cloud this a little, usually being predominantly feminine, and many admirers are still closer toward the “straight” side of the spectrum in terms of what attracts them.

But much of the fear of being gay is also driven by a social construct. Society teaches men that it’s unnatural or sinful to be gay – in fact it is a pretty loud song-and-dance. But 200 years ago, social convention also taught that black people had no souls. One hundred years ago, society contended that women were not intelligent enough to vote responsibly (and even now, some extreme religious spheres push the idea that women should be subservient and function as brood mares). Society has touted a lot of bullshit in the past, and it’s entirely reasonable to question the attitudes that we are fed. Religion can sometimes be a more difficult issue to deal with, but there are GLBT-affirming churches fairly widely accessible, and other resources that can help understand and resolve spiritual issues. Often, the best approach is to listen to what your heart tells you, even if you’re afraid of what you might find. The heart is pretty honest. Hopefully, though, those who come to consider themselves not gay will still have learned to respect those who are.

“What is She?”

A transwoman is psychologically female, often to the point that she has grown weary of trying to “pass” as a man behaviorally (similarly, transmen are psychologically male). In extreme cases, this means that she feels the need to change her body to better match her identity. There are sometimes quirks, usually from male upbringing or testosterone influence, but in spite of any seeming awkwardness, it is appropriate to regard or at least treat a transwoman as one would any other female. In the case of those who experience their gender dysphoria less intensely, they may cross-dress part-time, and may even feel a need to express both male and female personas at different times – this requires a bit more communication in order to know what is appropriate at a given moment, but also equally requires respect.

Some Myths

Unlike what is depicted in porn, transwomen are usually not “sex machines.” Hormone-replacement therapy usually significantly reduces the libido and physical capabilities, as well as affecting changes in behavioural experience. An admirer should never assume that a transwoman is just looking for a sexual experience (some do, but it’s better to watch for a clear invitation, or else expect it to be otherwise). For some, being someone else’s personal “experiment” will leave them feeling like little more than some used novelty sex toy. Most transwomen are looking for more relationship than that. And incidentally, “shemale” is not usually considered a flattering term.

Admirers should never assume that transwomen are looking for male partners. A person’s gender identity does not dictate their sexual orientation, and many transwomen prefer females. The ratio of androphile (liking men) to gynophile (liking women) transsexuals might possibly be a 50/50 split - not taking into account bisexuals, as transwomen may be. But when crossdressers are factored into the equation, the percentage of those who are lesbian goes much higher.

Surgery can often be an issue in relationships between transsexuals and admirers. For those at the extreme end of the transgender spectrum, pre- or non-op transsexuals may be completely uncomfortable with anything that involves touching or using the parts they were born with. This can include discomfort with their chest, if underdeveloped at the time of the encounter. For these, Gender Reassignment Surgery is quite often necessary for their peace of mind. If an admirer is specifically looking for a girl “with something extra,” he should be clear in the beginning about what he wants, and if the girl of his interest needs to have surgery, it’s probably best to keep looking.

One Occasional Type of Admirer

It occasionally happens – perhaps among ten to twenty percent of admirers – that the transfan is also trans-identified, or questioning his (or her) own gender identity. These admirers are often looking for answers, or wishing to live vicariously through their partner, sometimes doing so until they come to a point where they are comfortable with the idea of transitioning themselves. Openness and honesty are far better policies. Sometimes with transfolk, trying to go through a transition when a partner is embarking on a similar (or opposite) transition presses a lot of hot-buttons of insecurity, so just because she’s trans doesn’t mean that she’s compatible or ready to live your transition at the same time as hers.

The 4 Cardinal Rules of Dating T-Girls

1. She needs to be treated with respect. This includes respecting her as the gender to which she identifies, and maintaining the correct pronouns. Refusing to do so or throwing inappropriate pronouns around in an argument often constitutes a deal-breaker.

2. Don’t make assumptions about her sexually or in terms of lifestyle and future plans. Be clear about what you’re looking for, but if she’s looking for something very different, pressing forward into a relationship is going to make one or both of you very unhappy.

3. Transwomen usually want the same things that women want – things like longer-term relationships, kindness, manners, courtesy, good humour, interesting conversation and similar interests.

4. Transwomen usually live in “stealth,” meaning that they don’t really want the world to know that they’re transgender. They are usually sensitive about having anything “out” them publicly (including loud conversation in public places), and would probably also rather be asked before you tell your friends.

These are basics and generalizations, but hopefully, they can be of assistance for admirers in their quest for the perfect partner. I do believe that trans admirers hold a place in our community, but they do need a bit of education at times, in order to find it. Good luck!

”Mercedes Allen is a writer who blogs at http://dentedbluemercedes.wordpress.com/, has been featured on bilerico.com, PageOneQ and others, and has also developed the website at AlbertaTrans.org as a resource for transgender information and support.”