It was a truly gorgeous day for a parade in Calgary last weekend. My husband and I were so excited to take our two-year-old to his first ever Pride Parade, and boy it didn’t disappoint. He loved every minute of it. This year I had a unique vantage point as I, very proudly, drove my company’s first ever Pride entry down Stephen Avenue following nearly 30 of my gay and straight coworkers. Surprisingly I was overcome with emotion, even holding back tears, as we glided past every conceivable kind of family out to support Calgary’s LGBT community. Some were dressed in costumes, some looked quite conservative, some were clearly gay, some were clearly straight, and some seemed to have conjured up their own unique version of what today’s families look like, and it got me thinking... what is normal anyway and why do so many in our own community have issues with the idea of ‘normalcy’?
I read a lot of material written by gay parents, for gay parents, and leading up to this year’s Calgary Pride Parade I was researching how other gay dads felt about taking their young children to Pride Parades. I noticed a common expression posted over and over again from some of the more militant members in our community. It’s the term heteronormative and it’s spoken as if it was a new kind of social disease. It infuriates me!! Predominately used to insult those who choose to establish a family dynamic that consists of stability and traditional values, it is hurtful, insulting, and here is why it is just downright wrong.
From Wikipedia... Heteronormativity is the belief that people fall into distinct and complementary genders (man and woman) with natural roles in life. It asserts that heterosexuality is the only sexual orientation or only norm, and states that sexual and marital relations are most (or only) fitting between people of opposite sexes. Consequently, a heteronormative view is one that involves alignment of biological sex, sexuality, gender identity, and gender roles. Heteronormativity is often linked to heterosexism and homophobia.
That’s right; there are members of our own community who think it’s fine to use a homophobic slur to describe families like my own, who they have never even met. Now I’m not naïve to the fact that our community can be one of the most judgmental and mean spirited out there – and whether you like it or not we need to own it – because it is true. Let me be the first to admit that I’m certainly no angel where this is concerned, but having a child has made me do some real soul searching about this very subject. That said... I have to wonder what motivates people with no kids and no experience as parents to be so cruel in their assessment of how gay families should identify and live their lives, giving no thought to how our choices as adults affect the lives of the children we call our own?
This is how I see it. Our kids, the vast majority of them anyway, will grow up to be heterosexuals. That is just the way it is. In our case, we don’t care what our son is we just want him to be well adjusted and able to have happy, healthy relationships. Like any other children, they don’t get to pick their parents, no matter how they become part of our families. Whether adopted, fostered, created with a surrogate, or made the old fashioned way, the moment they become part of our families we become responsible for their physical and mental wellbeing. As a responsible parent, and because I already know from hard fought experience how school yard bullies operate, I see no need to saddle my son with additional baggage for said bullies to use as a weapon. This is where the militants will chime in that adopting heteronormative behaviour is somehow a slap in the face to the LGBT community, but they are completely mistaken, and I am calling them out!
You see, I’m mature and confident enough to realize that I can be a loud and proud gay man, passionate, loving, and monogamous husband, community activist, and attentive father without compromising who I am as a person. I have marched in solidarity with my gay brothers and sisters around the globe, and I earned my stripes in the gay community with activism that stretches back to the late 1980s. I have seen the devastation of the AIDS epidemic firsthand as a volunteer in the death wards of San Francisco General in the late ’80s, when even nurses openly refused to treat our sick and dying brothers and sisters. I marched in Washington DC in 1993 for equal rights, and have advocated for full marriage equality in the Unites States for decades now. I am proud of how far our community has come in the past 30 years, and will most definitely pass my firsthand knowledge of our history down to my son and hope to inspire him to be the next generation activist for our community. He will know more about gay rights and our struggles than most of his peers, but he will also know that our community is just part of the larger community called humanity.
Finally, to you folks who equate being out of the closet with being over the top, whether that means trotting out your sexual preferences for the world to see, or rebelling against mainstream society in your dress, way you speak, and how you conduct yourself in public, please know I have been fighting for your rights for over 30 years now. In other words... be all you can be – it is fine with me! What I don’t support is when you turn around and insult my husband and I for trying to be the best possible parents, and yes that means modeling our behaviour in a way that will make our son’s life easier in the long run, and not confuse him when it is time to integrate into sports, schools and life. It’s called tolerance people, and it is something we should all be practicing. So the next time you feel like hurling homophobic insults at one of your gay brothers or sisters just because you don’t relate to their situation, please ask yourself, is this normal?
