In Canada, we believe ourselves a society which is more accepting to alternative sexualities than ever before in history. Yet there are still pockets within society where any sexuality outside of the norm (cis-gendered, heterosexual relations only) is treated poorly. Recently while on "Evangelical Pastifarianism" - a skeptic Facebook page - I noticed one of the moderators was asked for advice on how to reconcile being gay and being a Jehovah’s Witness (JW).

That moderator was Dana Fehr. He was raised a JW, has left the church, and he is gay.

Dana had started questioning the religion at a young age; as well, he wanted to go to college, both of which the Jehovah’s Witnesses pretty much frown on. "I left...I was pretty much encouraged to leave home when I was 16 just before I turned 17...got guilted back into it a couple times in my life but (finally) woke up from it 2011".  As his mother was frequently sick during his childhood, Dana had learned to look after himself, so going off on his own was not a massive shock as it would be to other kids.

Even with leaving the church and going to college as a young man in his 20s, there was still the lingering impact from his church teaching homosexuality was a sinful act. Dana wavered back and forth on his sexuality and before he accepted his homosexuality, he’d had a son with a woman in the church (a son raised in the JW faith who’s shunned him).

While there are common images we have about Jehovah’s Witnesses (no blood transfusions, knocking on your door to proselytize), more disconcerting is that Dana told me JW are not big on sending people off to higher education. Dana has seen some statistics indicating over 25% of JW have less than high school education. Less than 10% have any kind of higher education. "The intelligent ones leave."

The advantage to the church with this strategy is creating a flock which is ignorant and dependent with fewer outside contacts and resources. In addition, you are told dictates of the religion always come first. This is a religion which "...drills into you as children to fear everything that’s outside of the Jehovah’s". Which means it’s not just education JW may regard suspiciously – you may have to choose between your religion and your job: JW are advised not to put themselves in situations where they feel they must impose their morality on others. So, if it’s a job, they’ll quit. The church IS your life and it controls you.

Like many religions, the Jehovah’s Witnesses church organization/elders are aware they have to change and adapt, so they have been getting a bit more open in the past few years, Dana said. It’s sparking conversations, but not in favor of the church.  "When I was growing up the governing body (of the JW) were a mystical group of people we never met or saw but they still delivered the doctrine."  Now the group is known to the world, suddenly their actions are getting scrutinized. "It’s making it easier for us to show how destructive and insidious they are."

Dana said they’re not as bad as other religions when it comes to sexuality. The young man won’t be sent to gay conversion therapy. Jehovah’s Witnesses look upon it as a phase or just sinful temptation young people must avoid. Yet, if you insist this is who you are, you can experience ostracization/shunning. Shunning and exclusion is not as effective in large cities, but in small towns where that religion is the dominant one, and where you’ve been taught to fear all outside of the church, it’s an effective behavior modification tool.

So, this was just some of the things Dana had to assess. "I talked to him and gave him a link to one of the ex-JW gay Facebook groups." The young man friended Dana on Facebook, and mentioned he had a hidden account for this side of his life. They ended up talking for three hours as Dana recounted his experiences. "He’s far more aware of stuff than when I was his age" The young man was aware he’d have to hide away this part of himself for the foreseeable future. Dana agreed: "I urged him to not come out...it’s not a good idea at this time yet". Besides the resources, Dana told him what to expect when he DOES come out.

Based on their conversation, Dana suggested the young man remain at home and in the closet for now as there was no sign of immediate danger. As this was done virtually, Dana didn’t know what the family dynamics were – the kid could have a family that might accept him - or at least not shun him.

It may seem harsh to tell the young man to remain in the closet and go through the motions of still being of the religion, but you want to make sure the kid can make it on his own: "yeah...he doesn’t really have any support networks in place. I don’t think he’s come out to anyone at school. I think one or two friends’ kind of know but he’s scared to tell anybody. If there’s a counselor at school whose LGBTQ positive/supporting, tell him." This has a risk – you have to be absolutely sure this councilor will not be on the phone to your parents after your session, so this is why Facebook groups dealing with religious issues are sometimes valuable. Kids questioning their sexuality and their religion can set up an alias which provide as little identifying information as possible in order to locate the support and contacts you need from the LGBTQ community.

In his work as a moderator on "Evangelical Pastafarianism" and in his everyday life, Dana reaches out to those who are questioning partly because his experience provides him the tools to help those coping with religion and being abandoned by it, but also as it’s his way of doing service for the dead. When he was younger he watched a friend mentally disintegrate and was left helpless as he didn’t have the knowledge he has now – he didn’t know how to reach this person. Dana mentioned – thanks to the internet and social media – currently it’s easier as there’s information available at your fingertips which wasn’t there when he was growing up.

"I think the best thing we can do is put our message out there as clearly as possible and to be there (for people) when they come out." Dana does know of activists who may be more direct and protest churches but all that does is set off a persecution complex. He prefers a more Socratic method of putting the information out there for people to consider, and being honest and compassionate in communication. Bring up one or two points for discussion, then move on to another unrelated topic. "I don’t think I’ve ever talked to a Jehovah’s Witness who didn’t have some doubt. The more radical a doctrine gets the more you have to rely on faith and mental gymnastics, and you can sometimes say something that really sounds reasonable which will make them change."

Because he’s always tried to open up a respectful dialogue, he even has some evangelical friends. He makes the connection, which helps people to realize Dana’s just a person like them. He acknowledges once they realize they can’t convert you, it limits them but he always tries to tap into their inner humanism. For example, Dana’s older brother is still in touch with him, and doesn’t judge as they’ve built a "one-on-one" relationship; although at times he pushes his brother a bit, even if it’s in a teasing manner.

While we don’t necessarily want the strident atheists to go away (e.g. Richard Dawkins and the late Christopher Hitchens) sometimes they serve a purpose: the faithful encounter these people online and it quickly degenerates to a flame war. Conversely, when they encounter other atheists like Dana who is respectful, not aggressive, and argues socratically, they may be more receptive to discussion. "We need the more activist ones to trail blaze to have the more reasonable ones come behind" to make the connections and the discussions.

Especially since the questions from the religious are only going to continue. Dana has a Masters in Cultural Psychology along with a degree in Theology, and his opinion is "religion is dying...slowly...another couple of generations and it’s gone – at least in the mainstream. I think this is the last gasp." There are many reasons for this, but acceptance and diversity is a big one for some churches, as it’s antithetical to their teachings yet makes sense to more and more people as time goes on. Which means as time passes, hopefully more and more people will be there to help those people leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses (or other religions).

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Contributor Evan Kayne |

Topic Religion |