Chaman Preet Singh arrived in Canada 2 years ago from India. Through a series of alert connections between Edmonton and Calgary, he put in touch with GayCalgary Magazine. He had a desire to share his story of being gay in India and in Canada. His self-proclaimed need is to give information for anyone who, like he was, that might be suffering the oppression of social stigma and rejection because of their sexual orientation: he wishes no-one would have to go through the pain he has suffered.

As an University of Alberta IT student, Chaman Preet is passionate and focused in his description of his transition from resident of India to a resident of Canada, and what this has meant to his pursuit of happiness. GayCalgary has left this very personal story in his own words, with some minor editing, to keep the flavour of his honesty and spirit.

Battling from an emotional turmoil from a young age, I was born in an upper middle-class Sikh family in India, a country which is said to be diverse in terms of religion, language, caste and culture. Yet there is a similarity in matters of their pride and prejudices where homosexuality is still forbidden. Moving to Canada for my Master’s degree came in my way as an opportunity to live freely and accept openly who I am, probably due to the reputation of candidness of any foreign country in India. What I believe is (that) one of the hardest paths in one’s life could be fighting for your own identity in the society

When I was a child, I had no idea what homosexuality was. But then I grew up and started to realize that my preferences were different, and since then I discovered I was gay. I never wanted to draw attention to who I liked, but I wanted the chance to be myself in a public space, without any more questions. The struggle to survive and fight for your own identity was very high, which involved being mocked by people for being gay, undergone character shaming, teasing and every other possible hatred that shook up confidence upside down.

They said that I’m not "Normal", but if the most "Normal" person is a straight, cisgender, upper middle- class man, be it a white or any other ethnic religion where first language is English, maybe the problem is the idea of normal itself, because that excludes so many people.

I have so much to write that I have to dig (in) my mind, because agony of life should be written and brought out to public. This is just a beginning to my story and I will unfold every emotion that came my way, where one day I decided and developed that courage to say "NO".

Just like any other homosexual, my "No Moment" came in my life, which was 3 years ago where I had beaten myself to blood and deep scars with a leather belt; where I wanted to punish myself for being who I am. Confined within the four walls of my room, crying and mustering the courage to go out, and trying to find reasons why should I go out at all? At some point I had to come at peace with myself, because I had already abandoned myself from important things in life. I realized I was barricading myself from friendships, relationships and family. I realized everything was at stake against only sexuality.

It sounds like any other coming out story, but moments of uncertainty are of great significance that are etched to my soul deeply, a slow burn day in and day out, lying about relationships (and) my preferences; always holding up a certain act, not being able to discuss my real self with friends and family. Searching for answers and wondering why me?

I gave a go ahead to myself finally to have this open and painful dialogue about my sexuality. The definition of my "NO moment" was when I realized that I should stop cursing myself and accept my own sexuality and start loving my own self. It was an act of utmost courage to come out and live authentically. I broke out to be real once in life, to feel the most honest moment, to be myself.

By this time a lot of people had left, and a few had stayed, and it was worth coming out for people who had stayed. Since its life and full of challenges, the challenges were not over yet. Yes, the hurricane had passed but the challenges regarding falsely portraited homosexuality to justify discrimination was not over. Especially in a society like India it seems to be more than a decade long fight.

India is one of the biggest democracies in the world. Humanity in India has a lot of definitions, and tolerance to diversity is the foundation of what we are raised in right from the beginning.

Being gay is tough but being gay in India is tougher. It’s tough to be a gay surrounded by loud mouthed conservatives and ignorant people who flaunt their love for Indian Culture as an excuse to debase the LGBT community. Being gay in India means you’re either a sexually deviant predator or somebody who’s gotten spoilt of bad company. People in modern India (as they say) still consider sexuality a matter of choice. They still don’t understand that one’s sexuality is not by choice but by birth. Hindu mythology predominantly gives evidences of homosexuality, and there are temples in India which have carvings of homosexual sex; and not only this, Kamasutra which depicts human sexual behaviour, (which) originated from India, has a complete chapter referring to homosexuality. Yet the Indian culture flag-bearers act ignorant and call it "Unnatural".

India has a rich heritage behind, but people there still have myths and misconceptions about homosexuality. Misconception that it’s a problem and can be cured by psychotherapy. When I came out as gay lot of my friends had un-friended me and walked away without saying anything, because they were too shallow in their mind to accept me as their gay friend: some confronted saying that "Are you seriously a homosexual?" But the biggest disappointment came towards me was from my own best friend when he tried to give me a cure, saying that I should start sleeping with girls and I will be fine: it’s just a bad influence that I’ve gotten into.

I was so much stuck in the cobwebs of the society there: as a result of which I wasn’t able to express what it feels like living in a society that will shake your mind mentally and emotionally for being gay.

It’s not that people aren’t aware, it’s just they don’t want to talk about it, because they consider homosexuality as a matter of shame for them. My decision of moving to Canada came as an opportunity to explore the other side of society, which openly accepts and supports one’s own individuality.

Business owners and gay activists came up with the culture of gay dating apps, which was a super cool idea when I came across it once I moved to Canada. Excited with the review, I downloaded one of the most popular apps, (and) put up a good picture and a good introduction about myself. Scrolling through the app, there were initially a few disappointments, but one after the other I continued to scroll down. I realized that I again do not fit into people preference list. From insidiousness of Grindr rapport, I came across bigotry where the preferences regarding ones class, creed and colour were stated explicitly. And going through that, I too fell in the dirty mud, where I came across a maddening issue in Edmonton by experiencing racism for the first time within our gay community: where I was refused to be friends because I was not white; where I was shamed regarding my religion and English not being my first language, because I refused to hook up. And not only this, I was also even made to think that I was an ugly guy and that all came towards me from our gay community with whom I am meant to share kinship with.

It has been rightly said that, "How can you be a bigot when you yourself are a member of an oppressed minority in the world?". Nobody in their right mind can deny that racism is a big issue in gay community. I have always seen on television about gay prides happening all around the world, and everyone seems to be happy, celebrating and representing one unified community and being proud of their own self. And that is what pride means. But unfortunately, the rainbow flag is much whiter than it appears, and it is because of the fact of Racism and it cannot be denied. The community fights for equality, freedom and every possible human right, and still whine about people for not being of their skin colour

But yes, like they say, not everybody is same: I did come across one of the most amazing people here who accepted me with their open hearts, appreciated me for who I am, and showered acceptance, love and affection. Like this one guy in his late 30’s, who came across as my first random hookup ever. In that moment, the way he treated me is the reality that is till (this) date etched in my soul. From the way he exhibited his affection towards me, to the moment he softly pressed his hands against my heart, asking me to calm down in life: everything!

Discrimination is the reality of our society and its prevalent, but I can’t deny the fact that till now this country has given me so much in terms of making me stronger emotionally and mentally. Making me confident to speak my heart out; to open up to people about my own self and making my will power strong today; that I have gotten strength, that I have started to open up to few of my family members as well. Nevertheless, this world is full of dreams, and despite infuriating challenges (the) world has put in my ways, I aspire to win each of them. At the end we all are human beings, no matter what our skin color, caste or religion is we all bleed the same colour.

I came to Canada with lots of hopes, expectations and dreams, leaving my own motherland behind because it never gave me that acceptance and love for my own identity. In this world there is so much to divide us on basis of ones’ caste, creed and skin colour. But one factor binds all of us together, and that is humanity.

Someone has rightly said, and I quote," before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you will be a mile from them, and you will have their shoes." Let us just spread the word love and stop differentiating each other in our community on basis of one’s skin colour, caste or creed. Let everyone in the community have a fair chance to spread diversity among each other. Let our representing flag fly high with all its diverse colors rather than just being whiter in color. Without having hopes and dreams nobody can move forward in life. Whoever I was 2 years ago and whoever I am today are two different people, with my present self-having bucket full of hopes and dreams: a hope where one day my parents will hug me and tell me that they are proud of me; a hope where our community wins over hate for different religions and culture. After all we all have been brought to this world to make it more beautiful and amazing.

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Contributor Chaman Preet Singh | Carey Rutherford |

Topic Coming Out | Editorial | Racism |