It’s crazy even to consider spending money on a cheap getaway in February what with an uncertain economy and credit card statements sagging after the Christmas season. But that doesn’t stop us from taking advantage of those ridiculously low travel packages offered immediately after Baby New Year toots his little horn. Might I suggest saving the money this year and renting some cinematic travel packages with a suspiciously low price instead?
Travel Option A: The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
The Deets: Set sail on a luxury cruise on the S.S Poseidon (actually the Queen Mary for those who know our queens but I digress) from NYC (current mecca for said queens) to Greece (birthplace of said queens).
Your Ship’s Crew: Leslie Nielson plays the stern Captain, Roddy McDowall plays a helpful porter, and leggy Carol Lynley plays Nonnie the ship’s folksinger who will regale you with the Oscar winning song ‘The Morning After” to her hearts content.
Your All-Star Travelling Companions: Catch a sermon by controversial Rev. Scott (Gene Hackman), laugh at the matrimonial mishaps between police Officer Rogo (Ernest Borgnine) and his ex-hooker wife Linda (Stella Stevens), cringe and sympathize with Miss. Nancy Drew herself (Pamela Sue Martin) who is travelling with her red faced- obnoxious over-acting little brother (Eric Shea, if you care). But the one lady you’ll want to share most of your time with is Belle Rosen (Shelly Winters) who, along with her devoted husband Manny (Jack Albertson) are going to visit their grandson for the first time in Israel. Belle is a fat, matchmaking Jew with a heart of gold (yet deep fried in cholesterol, but more on that later).
Why it’s Cheap: Because my dear traveler, you will never make it to Greece as an undersea earthquake will cause a giant tsunami that will capsize your boat. You will have to decide whether you and the other survivors should stay with the purser in the dining room, or join Gene Hackman and the other star-studded cruisers by climbing your way up through the ship to the bottom of the hull that is still above water.
Why it’s Worth It: Nonetheless, it’s thoroughly entertaining! Once you get past the awful introductory scenes of the various characters, the film becomes oddly engaging as you really are unsure who will make it out alive and that you actually give a shit. Perhaps it’s because of characters like Stella Stevens who, although she has reformed her hooker ways, still manages to slip in and out of good old fashioned trashy whore bitchery especially when it comes to lugging around chubby Mrs. Rosen ( I won’t ruin anything but let’s just say, “In the water, I’m a very skinny lady”). Stella bitches and moans like everyone knows she’s seen her share of tight holes and steamy, dripping shafts floating with sea men; Borgnine and Hackman play the “my penis is bigger than your penis” game routinely, and lonely, vitamin-popping “bachelor” Red Buttons tenderly guides shell-shocked Nonnie (hey Nonnie Nonnie, not singing now) through the wreckage, as if we’re supposed to believe if they make it out alive, she’ll cure him of his homosexual desires.
Why it’s Not: The annoying little brother doesn’t suffer an agonizing demise.
Travel Package 2: The Towering Inferno (1974)
The Deets: Visit beautiful San Francisco and once you’re done cruising the Castro, you are invited to the grand opening of the world’s largest skyscraper, the 135 storey “Glass Tower”. You will dine and dance the night away in the opulent ballroom penthouse far, far above the pesky annoyances of life like traffic, screaming children and fire hoses.
Your Hosts: Handsome blue-eyed, salad-dressing magnate Paul Newman as the building’s architect Doug Roberts, his comely wife Susan (Faye Dunaway), and Billionaire industrialist Jim Duncan (William Holden) the Trump-style backer of the project. And don’t worry about personal welfare as the chief of security is played none other than by OJ Simpson. (Shit. Girlfriend, you is doomed!)
Your All-Star Companions: The Mayor of San Francisco (Jack Collins), Senator Gary Parker (Robert Vaughn), shady investment broker Harlee Claiborne (Fred Astaire), kind and generous new tenant Lisolette Muller (Jennifer Jones) who loves her cat and babysits children of single deaf mothers (too sweet characters are the kiss of death in disaster movies so don’t be putting money down on her chances). And of course there is the lovely Patty Simmons (Susan Blakely), daughter to Holden’s character and wife to the slimeball Roger Simmons (Richard Chamberlain) who may have cut corners on the building’s wiring and infrastructure to save on money.
Why it’s Cheap: Just when the party gets underway and you are regaled with the lovely Oscar-winning song “We May Never Live Like This Again” by Maureen McGovern you may get an eerie sense that you’ve heard that melodic voice before (she dubbed the singing voice for Poseidon Adventure’s Nonnie) and you may detect a hint of irony in the song’s title, just like the one that hippy sang on that ill-fated cruise you took last week. And why has rugged top-daddy Steve McQueen as Fire Chief Mike O’Hallorhan just arrived at the party in all his gear looking like he means business? Yes it turns out that the cheap electrical wiring has caused a fire that had been left undetected and now is burning out of control like a … well, like a fire! The winds are too high for a helicopter rescue, the elevators are out of order, and the staircases are blocked. But did I mention the view? It’s to die for!
Why it’s worth it: You get to see Fred Astaire cut a rug with Jennifer Jones, OJ doesn’t kill anyone, Faye Dunaway’s cleavage, a shot of not only the world’s tallest building but also the world’s largest pair of headphones and some incredibly tense action set pieces, including one that deals with the majority of the film’s leading ladies and the exterior glass elevator.
Why it’s Not: Like The Poseidon Adventure, the film indulges in too much character development before the pyrotechnics go off.
Cheap Travel Package 3: Airport 1975
The Deets: Fly Columbia (no relation to the space shuttle, er hehe) Airlines flight 409 from Washington to Los Angeles and party like it’s 1975!
The Flight Crew: Efrem Zimbalist Jr as Captain Stacey, Flight attendant Karen “cookie monster eyes” Black as Nancy and Erik “C.H.I.P.S” Estrada as the navigator.
Apparently Sharon “Queer as Folk” Gless is credited as a stewardess but I didn’t recognize her without her “I love Fags” t-shirt and gaudy jewelry.
Your All-Star Companions: Holy crap! I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed the most bizarre group of “stars” in one area since Battle of the Network Stars. You’ve got Helen Reddy as a nun who sings a little ditty to organ transplant patient Linda Blair (don’t get too close Sister Reddy, Catholics don’t fair too well around Linda Blair).
Helen looks chipper and bright eyed as if she knows that she’ll have a long acting career ahead of her, but little does she know that other than Disney’s Pete’s Dragon, she might as well retire her wimple and go down with the plane. Other passengers include Gloria “I’m ready for my close-up” Swanson playing herself: a verbal–diarrhea-infected, pompous, windbag version of herself. Susan “Webster” Clark plays the wife of George Kennedy (yeah right!), Myrna Loy plays a boiler-maker swilling granny, and Norman “Mr. Roeper” Fell and Jerry Stiller play boozey executives. (The screenwriters really think alcoholism is hilarious!)
Why it’s Cheap: Uh, yeah, about that…. Your plane is schmucked mid-flight by a private plane piloted by Dana Andrews, who has a heart attack that causes him to lose control and fly directly into the cockpit of Flight 409!
Why it’s Worth It: Because it’s up to Karen Black to fly the plane to safety! And she thought being chased by a demonized zuni-festish doll was scary! Now she has to land a plane, and act like she’d be attracted to Charlton Heston!
Why it’s Not: Despite the fun premise and ridiculous Hollywood Stars cast, the film loses its edge when it appears that no one is actually going to die and that Moses err Heston will save the day. At least Estrada, as a sexist womanizing navigator gets the suck job he so badly desired, just not the kind he had in mind. See ya Ponch!
