Daughter Bashes Gays
Q: I am so mad I could just scream. I just walked downstairs and my 15-year-old daughter, “Sara,” and her friends were telling jokes about “queers” and all laughing their heads off. Well, I told them they all needed to go home and that I would not put up with those kind of jokes at my house. My daughter went off to her bedroom, locked her door and wouldn’t come out or talk to me. Sara has been raised to respect all people and, in our home, I have been openly gay since she was little. Several of our friends are like aunts and uncles to her and she is always happy to be around them and they do lots of things with her. I am so distressed that she would talk like that and make funs of gay people. I expected so much more of her and I am really disappointed in her character. What do I say to her to make her realize what she has done and to make sure she doesn’t do it again?
- Disappointed Mom
A: First of all I think that your daughter said what she did because of peer pressure. Fifteen-year-old kids are under an incredible amount of pressure to be just like everyone else and conform to what others are saying and doing. When one of my daughters was about this age, I made it clear that no prejudiced jokes—of any kind were allowed in our house. We also talked about people’s feelings and why it wasn’t OK to tell jokes or make fun of people different from us.
In spite of this she and her friends would occasionally tell jokes that I didn’t approve of. After explaining to them that I didn’t approve of this and why, I would hear them tell other kids: “We can’t talk like that here, wait until we get outside” – having taken “no prejudiced jokes in our house” very literally.
As my children have grown into beautiful adults, they have embraced my values and all are working in human service fields and are very open and defending of diversity of all kinds. So, don’t be disillusioned about what is going on with your daughter. Fifteen is a hard age; an age where she is trying things out and discovering who she is. I believe that how we conduct our lives and how we speak around our children makes an impression on who they will become as adults. But ultimately, there are no guarantees, and we can’t control what they say, think, or do.
Embarrassed Over Finances
Q: I think I am going to have to take out bankruptcy and I don’t know how to tell my family, my lover or my friends. I am so embarrassed and the whole thing is making me so depressed that I don’t know how to go on. I lost my job because of the economy. My company downsized and I finally found another job after 10 months, but it doesn’t pay nearly as much as my old job. During the 10 months that I didn’t work, I maxed out my credit cards and got a second mortgage on my house. Since I have this job I have just gone downhill; my debt is getting worse and worse and now there is no where else I can borrow.
I hate myself. I just don’t know where to turn. What can I do?
- Losing My Pants
A: You need support during this difficult time. It is important that you decide which of your family and friends will be most supportive and tell them first. (I’m wondering why you wouldn’t talk to your lover about this, but that’s a question for another time.) Let them know how you are feeling, what has happened, and what your fears are.
You might want to find a reputable credit counseling service; there may be ways other than bankruptcy. Just remember you are not alone in having financial problems. Many people are going through this sort of thing, especially given the financial problems in our economy.
Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. To contact Jody, send an e-mail to DearJodyValley@hotmail.com. Letters may be edited.
